To my family friends & road dawgs and the anonymous Yahoo Hacker Hack-Off;
The fool who sent this letter out today from my “Yahoo” account provided fodder for today’s blog.
“I really hope you get this soon as i am writing you in distress. I traveled down to Spain for an important program in Madrid and unfortunately for me the hotel i lodged got caught-up by fire. All my valuables including cash and cell phones were destroyed during the inferno and the hotel’s phone line was also disconnected. I will explain details when i return. I need your financial assistance to relocate to another hotel and also arrange for my traveling documents. please let me know if you can be of any help soon.
OK crackhead, the first thing you need to do is brush up with a little English 101. Really. Talk about being grammatically challenged–your letter is really sophomoric. Perhaps the Third World shit hole you sent that communique’ from doesn’t offer the kind of assistance you require. That’s OK today. You’ll never make it as a writer anyway.
Now let’s get down to brass tacks. Your hustle sucks. The folks on my contact list you stole, have been hit with hustles from the Hurls that would blow your mind. They’ve seen it all. Let’s break down some of the words and phrases you used that provided a hearty laugh for my friends.
“I really hope you get this soon”– Oh, they got it my friend as my phone has been rining off the hook and and Facebook has been blowing up all morning with IM’s. On that one point, you were successful. Touche’.
“i am writing you in distress” – Being locked up in a dog cage surrounded by 1000 savages is distress buddy. Being crushed by the Gorilla of a heroin habit is distressful. Dealing with the consequences of having burned everyone who ever loved me puts the “D” in distress. Being separated from my heavenly Father as the result of my sin is real distress. Allegedly being burned out of hotel in Spain is a walk in the park dude.
“I traveled down to Spain” – Really? Well isn’t that special? As a convicted felon, I can’t go to Canada, let alone get a passport for Madrid, Spain.
“for an important program” – Listen up Holmes…the only important program in my life today is the 12 Step Alcoholics for Christ meeting tonight in Ferndale Michigan…no passport is required…and where God has restored my sorry ass to chair the group.
“All my valuables including cash and cell phones were destroyed ” – Right now the only material “valuables” I’ve been blessed with are still here. Let’s do a quick inventory bro. Taylor Acoustic-check; Fender Telecaster electric-check; A/V system-check; Computer & printer-check; Fishman amp-check. Yep, they’re all still here. Cash? Hahahaha. None…that’s normal. Cell phone? Right next to me. Feel free to call @ 248-917-3493 so I can school you on how to hustle with greater efficacy, or should you desire, we talk about recovery from addiction and how you might be set free from having your lips glued to a crack stem.
“during the inferno” – Dig this bro, I’ve been pulled through infernos that would crush most men or burn them beyond crisp. No brag, just fact. But you did bring to mind an old-school jam that I’ll share for your edification and delight.
“I need your financial assistance to relocate to another hotel” – Listen up thief, the Hurls checked out of the Hotel California a long time ago. Amazing grace is still amazing my man. You might check it out sometime. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wIOe-el04PI
“Through many dangers, toils and snares…we have already come. T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…and Grace will lead us home.”
All we have to do is ask for it and then receive something neither of us pathetic losers deserve. Amen?
“please let me know if you can be of any help soon.” – You had no way of knowing this in your blind quest for drugs, but the friends and family you sent your letter to from my Yahoo contact list are among the best souls any man could ever cross paths with. In spite of my failures, sin and mistakes, God has blessed this Irishman with a rich network of men & women that are rock solid in their faith and belief in redemption. They’ve provided “help” in good times and in bad. In fact, one brother flew me down to Florida last December to violate my parole and bless me with a 1997 Honda Accord with 233k miles on it that still runs like a Swiss watch.
This is the only thing I really lost today. The entire 10 year history of my Yahoo Email Account had some special stuff in it. Hopefully, that will be restored, especially the Vonage phone messages I kept from my brother Joe…
& nephew Ryan (now deceased)
…that I still listen to from time-to-time for the solace hearing their voices brings.
The other thing you accomplished was to provide the impetus to shore up my Gmail Account. My youngest son Joshua has been encouraging his Dad to do just that. Other than that, be sure to frequently change the Chore Boy media utilized when you smoke crack. That way, you’ll not clog the stem, get a better hit, experience the living hell of cocaine psychosis sooner, and come to the end of yourself. Hopefully, at that point, I pray you’ll be brought to your knees to ask for help prior to going mad or having your heart explode in a coronary melt-down of Chernobyl proportions.
God Bless Your Heart